


BuzzPop News: The Unexpected Outcomes of Interviewing Gotham's Most Illusive Wayne

by I_Met_A_Girl



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Alfred Pennyworth, Based on a Tumblr Post, Batfamily (DCU), Comedy, Do the butts match, Gen, Good Parent Alfred Pennyworth, Gotham City - Freeform, Humor, Metropolis (DCU), POV Outsider, Press and Tabloids, Secret Identity, The Butts Match, batfam, but it's THEIR shithole, buzzfeed expy, i love when they have like a city rivalry and city pride even though gotham is a shithole, other robins and one batgirl are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 20:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21185372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Met_A_Girl/pseuds/I_Met_A_Girl
Summary: After the viral sensation of "Do the butts match?!" Bruce Wayne of Wayne Industries has agreed to an interview with a writer for the well known website, BuzzPop. This is the article that was produced.





	1. The Unexpected Outcomes of Interviewing Gotham's Most Illusive Wayne

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to make an important note here that Bruce (and to a lesser extent, Tim's) OOC-ness is completely intentional, as they are both in on the plan to use this to reinforce their cover identities as Definitely Not Superheroes. Furthermore, there will be some inconsistency with the tenses; this is also intentional on my part for the sake of characterizing the POV character through /their/ writing style.

For the short time I've worked at BuzzPop, I've noticed the majority of articles written about weird celebrities start off with a coworker saying how surprised they were to find out their interviewee is a normal, down-to-earth person just like you or me. On an insultingly average-looking Tuesday at 6:30 in the morning, I was at Wayne Manor speaking to Bruce Wayne himself, and for him, this is not the case. Mr. Wayne is not just as weird as you imagine him. Whatever you're imagining – it's not that. I left that mansion ready to write that the Wayne family is batshit insane, and the only reason I feel safe publishing that is because I asked ahead of time. I asked:

“Would it be ok if I told my readers you guys are all batshit insane?”

And he said:

“Questionable taste in phrasing, but alright.”

Which I think is a saying I am going to be using for the rest of forever. I give fair warning to those who would rather see an unbiased account or something with no authorial commentary: I am going to geek out about this guy and this whole experience. Let's begin.

As I said, it was early on a Tuesday when I found myself at the door of Wayne Manor. On my laptop I have a list of prepared questions to hopefully ask Bruce Wayne, owner of Wayne Enterprises and maybe half of the city, but right now the questions running through my mind are of a more self-centered variety, namely: why am I the one giving the interview; how and why did we get time with Bruce Wayne; why is it at his house; why am I at his house; and do I have a death wish? I found the answers to only some of these.

If I thought I felt sweaty just standing at the door, I was unprepared for it opening. The air drops a good 30 degrees. I am ushered in by the scariest person I have ever met, Alfred Pennyworth, Mr. Wayne's personal butler and possibly puppetmaster. You know the creepy butler who answers the door without knocking in Halloween movies? He's close to that, but not quite. He isn't _creepy, _per say. He just gives off this air like he could summon the wind out of my lungs and turn my blood to oil with a single look but won't because I'm a guest.

He led me to Bruce Wayne, seated in a leather armchair in a foyer with the feel of a hallway, and to my great unease, stood behind Mr. Wayne with no intent of leaving. Mr. Wayne as well did not seem inclined to move but nodded for me to take a seat. He then said simply:

“No recording devices.”

I scrambled to hand him my phone and laptop. My heart is still hammering just by the presence of Mr. Pennyworth at this point, so it doesn't even cross my mind to refuse. Mr. Wayne gave him a questioning look, and Mr. Pennyworth nodded. I believe he had telepathically frisked me for hidden devices. I was handed a composition notebook and a mechanical pencil to take any direct quotes.

A beat passed of them looking at me. Me looking at them. Wide-eyed. I remembered why I am here. I would like to mention that I have written articles for two years but have done exactly one interview before this one. I should not be the one to be expected to speak to such a high profile demi-cryptid business human. “Thank you very much for allowing BuzzPop to conduct an interview with you, Mr. Wayne.”

No expression, no emotion. “It's fine.”

“Well then, let's jump right into it.” In the back of my head, I worry I won't remember all of my questions (I didn't, ftr), but I dare not ask for my laptop.

**So they say you own half the city. **

They?

**It is general perception that you own half the city, and I would like to ask to what extent that is hyperbole?**

It's most definitely hyperbole. I am 100% certain neither a person nor a cooperation can buy a city.

**Speaking from experience?**

…

**Sorry. I didn't mean to sound accusatory. **

Answering a question like that is opening myself up to sensationalist headlines. Press tend to twist words to fit their agenda, even if their only agenda is revenue. _That_ is something I do know from personal experience.

**Right, right. That reminds me. This question can be entirely stricken if you prefer, but I feel you might appreciate this as an opportunity to stop some rumors. **

Go on.

**An orphan yourself, you've welcomed many children into the Wayne family over the years. Paparazzi shots have recently gone viral: a compilation showing that all of the Wayne children hide heavy bruises with makeup. Speculation has gone to some gross if obvious places, and a group in Metropolis is petitioning to have you investigated by Gotham's child services.**

Gotham has child services?

And here I would like to stop and note that though his face barely changed, I felt a dark, sarcastic, deep-seated bitterness in the statement, the color of coal and denser than honey. The room chilled further, and I looked just to the left to see Mr. Pennyworth, too, was slightly frowning with an unbearably grim expression. Part of me wanted to ask, “Bad experiences?” but the rest of me just said, “Don't faint, and move forward.”

**Ha ha, that's why it's some Metropolis PTA starting shit. We Gothamites take care of our own, right? Never trust the state to do anything.**

You don't know how true that really is.

**That's why it feels like you own half the city! In fact, it was the Martha Wayne Foundation that helped me pay off my student loans. The Wayne Foundations owns several free clinics, private orphanages, public charter schools, and food banks. It's as if you just kicked aside the government and said you'd do socialism on your own.**

Heh, I don't think you know what socialism is. But thank you. I really do try to fill in the gaps, and there are a lot of them. But I can't get everywhere...

**As a billionaire, philanthropy is expected -**

I already know where you're going with this. You may interview people with obscene amounts of money, but I was born here. Plenty of people hold charity galas for their own egos, or as a deflection shield when their companies' real working conditions come up. It's a truth we all know but rarely admit.

**But you're different. **

I would like to think so, yes. Hope so, at the very least.

**How?**

He leaned forward and looked at me, looked into my entranced eyes and straight to my heart, and said so, so earnestly:

It's my responsibility.

I was one-hit KO'd from the coolness. Guys, I wish I could share the sheer badass vow of a one-liner spoken with such a stony, serious gaze and such true conviction. Instead of ice from behind him, I felt a warmth akin to sunshine, Mr. Pennyworth's pride truly emanating in waves. I am reminded that it was he who raised the orphaned Bruce Wayne so long ago. This moment right here, that was the exact second I became a Bruce Wayne fanboy, an affliction to which there is no known cure.

It was also the moment the two of them cheered up considerably, and Mr. Wayne said in a conspiratorial tone,

“Ask about the bruises again.”

I stammered dumbly and then repeated as if on automation:

**An orphan yourself, you've welcomed many children into the Wayne family over the years. Paparazzi shots have recently gone viral: a compilation showing that all of the Wayne children hide heavy bruises with makeup. Speculation has gone to some gross if obvious places, and a group in Metropolis is petitioning to have you investigated by Gotham's child services.**

He turned his head to Mr. Pennyworth beside the back of his chair.

“Get Cas.”

“I'm afraid only Masters Jason and Tim are on property at the moment.”

“Hm. Well. Jason would never pass up taking a swing at me.”

“Perhaps so, Master Wayne, perhaps so. Though if I may, I doubt he'd appreciate being used in performance.”

“Ha, too bad Dick isn't here.”

“Yeah, Jason never could live up to Dick, huh?” - That one was me. As soon as the words fell from my mouth, I seriously wondered if I really _do_have a death wish.

However, after a beat of silence, I was granted mercy. “Tim it is then.”

“Very well. I will explain the situation to him and return shortly.”

With that, Alfred Pennyworth turned and walked off. My entire muscular system relaxed. My posture became that of a noodle cat. I quieted a gasp for air as my body could once again breathe easy. I would have continued to be oblivious to my surroundings if it weren't for a shouting, black-haired blur barreling in my peripheral. I whip around to see him throw an arm around a now-standing Mr. Wayne's throat and_fully suplex him_. They are both on the ground. Then they are both up and tossing each other around. Tim is flung up the air like a rag doll but comes down as a cannon ball. “You're getting slow, old man!” All that comes to mind in the moment is a dog park. It is the same feeling as sitting on a bench and looking out at a dog park. So much so that I'm fairly certain Tim Drake _bit _Mr. Wayne at one point or another.

I realized the meaning of this: they're all bruised, because this is how the Wayne family apparently bonds. Even so, under my breath I questioned, “Isn't that still irresponsible?”

Alfred Pennyworth, The Butler, materialized next to me. He was looking down at the two with a fond smile on his lips. “Yes. It is.”

So now an heir/owner of a multi-billion dollar cooperation and his adopted young tech genius are wrassling on the floor. I was at a loss for what to do or where to go from here. Tim decided for me. He left a winded Mr. Wayne on the floor to catch his breath and perched on my chair. Now he is rubbing foundation off his arms and knees and chin and – I told him he does not need to take off his shirt, I trust him if he says he has more on his ribs. Now he is speaking with the high-pitched enthusiasm of someone who has not slept in three days. “...And this one is from when I tackled Dick on the top of the stairs, and this one is from when I called Damien cute and didn't duck in time, and this one is from when I crashed on the sidewalk – had to get carried back home – and this one is from last Tuesday but I got it when Jason jumped from the third story and I broke his landing...”

I try to jot down as much of the list as I can until I cannot handle it anymore.

**On the record... are you ok_??_**

Nah. I'm seriously fucked up.

I took in his dark circles. His sudden serious expression. His battered face and beaten body, that which still hummed with countless cups of caffeine, however he preferred to take it. I knew these eyes. These were the eyes of a person who has spent years pondering when will he finally die.

“Mood!” Fistbump. “Dude, you are the new millennial icon. I can put that line in the article, right?” I looked around at all three of them for permission. “Please?”

Mr. Wayne did not look on board with it, probably thinking back to his previous comment about not commenting on anything that could be easily twisted. Tim jumped in. “Yes. You will absolutely print that. Is it print?”

“It's online.”

“Link me?”

And that is how I got Tim Drake-Wayne's email address, which I will not be disclosing. Please don't sue me libel, Mr. Wayne! I love you. I hope you read this. I hope you laugh. I know you were glaring at him. I swear, I cannot track down Wayne Enterprise secret information through a yahoo spam account. If I could, I would not have a degree in English. (You heard me! An _English major._)

Alfred was the one to prompt me after that. “Mr. Wayne has further appointments. If you would please wrap this up? You may ask one more question.”

I do not have enough dignity to deny that I visibly panicked here, as I had asked like maybe three relevant questions. Still, if I only had one left, I knew what I wanted to ask.

**Mr. Wayne, in research for this assignment, I have read every previous interview of yours I could find for the last twenty years. From the lack of material, it's clear you are notoriously hard to get ahold of. Moreover, you are typically in publications such as Forbes 500 and National Gold Standard. Why did you agree to speak to me?**

Do the butts match?

**Excuse me?**

Do the butts match! You haven't heard? You've totally heard.

He and Tim are cracking up.

**The Batman thing?**

Yes! Yes, the Batman thing! Oh my lord. That was so _fun._You know last time an interview was fun? NEVER! That was the first time. You kids, you – what are you called? - you _memes? _You meme kids are fantastic. “Do the butts match?” I got to do that on live TV, too – I was dying!

A quick look to Tim let me know I should under no circumstances let Mr. Wayne know that people who create memes are not called memes.

**So you were hoping this would be a joke?**

Yeah.

**Was I fun?**

Not really. But it was pretty funny how you nodded off the second Alfred left the room. Is that – what did you call it? - a “millennial mood”? And you loosened up by the end. Too bad it's already over.

**I'm sure you are busy with more important things.**

Actually, yes. No offense.

**None taken, I said it. Would it be ok if I told my readers you guys are all batshit insane?**

Questionable taste in phrasing, but alright.

I was swiftly ushered out; it felt like I was in the sitting room then half a second later the giant wooden doors closed behind me and I was outside with my laptop and phone in my hands, as well as the composition notebook, free of charge.

My conclusions:

  1. Bruce Wayne _is _a crazy rich person; just a different kind of crazy than I was prepped for.

  2. I _really _want to go back, but also I never ever ever want to go back.

  3. If at minimum 3 quotes here don't become their own memes, there is no justice in the world.

  4. My supervisor confirmed to me that I was chosen because I have black hair, blue eyes, and a baby face that gets me carded at GameShop, and she figured I'd be the one he'd be most open with.

  5. Alfred Pennyworth's butt. might. just. match.

* * *

_Adrien Geurre is a Gotham correspondent for BuzzPopTMUSA of BuzzPop Media. _

_Got a confidential tip for Adrien Geurre? Click here or email him at adrien.geurre@buzzpop.com_

Leave us a comment! We want to hear if you want more content like this article.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some reference material:  
Original "the butts match!" post  
https://raptorific.tumblr.com/post/140900606441/bruce-wayne-maintains-a-presence-on-all-conspiracy  
An example of the meme of making memes people from Gotham would create if people in Gotham made memes  
https://jasontoddiefor.tumblr.com/post/185705972192/okay-hear-me-out-gotham-city-memes-part-2
> 
> And if, yknow, you wanna reblog the link to this fic...  
https://emma-d-klutz.tumblr.com/post/188608604366/buzzpop-news-the-unexpected-outcomes-of


	2. Comment Section

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> top comments

**Do the butts match? [+3471]**

ther are over 600 replies and I am not pressing the expand arrow bc I already kno what itll be [+6]

**You: Weird flex, but ok  
Me, an intellectual: Questionable taste in phrasing, but alright [+1063]**

Memeception? [+12]

**This is basically every comment pls stop [+660]**

It's not just IRRESPONSIBLE its downright DISGUSTING how this man can fool you into thinking he's a good person when right in front of you you are seeing him SEXUALLY ABUSE his “child” thats why he always gets new ones!!!! its his sick pleasure and I am APPALED that you are commending him HE SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL!!!!!!!! [+46]

**ur an anti-vaxxer, arent' u? [+582]**

**guys****get****this****to****666 votes [+793]**

**I mean, Bruce Wayne isn't that big a deal, is he? I feel like we got bigger shit to fry in Gotham.[+112]**

But what iF tHe BuTtS mAtCh?! [+2]

Werebn't you reading at all. The scary ice butler is Batman [+8]

batman isn't like that and he doesnt look like that. my money is Alfred is a different hero all together [+2]

or villain. [+2]


End file.
